


let's not talk it out

by indecisivebehaviors



Category: Cobra Kai (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Divorced Daniel, Grown Men talk about Emotions™, Johnny Lawrence Doing His Best, Multi, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Robby Needs A Hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-15 09:06:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29311557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indecisivebehaviors/pseuds/indecisivebehaviors
Summary: Robby doesn’t know why he bothered to even show up.
Relationships: Daniel LaRusso/Johnny Lawrence, Miguel Diaz & Robby Keene, Miguel Diaz/Samantha LaRusso, Robby Keene & Samantha LaRusso
Comments: 37
Kudos: 92





	1. the diner

Robby doesn’t know why he bothered to even show up. When Sam had texted him the day with a very brief, _meet me at the diner tomorrow @ 4pm I need to show you something -Sam_ , he considered not even replying. Why should he? She’d been the one who’d betrayed his trust, broken his heart. He had every right to ignore her message and block her number. But all he’d managed to do that day was think about that text. He’d stared at it after practice, sitting in his sleeping bag against the wall.

It was 2am when he eventually replied.

_Fine._

When he walked into the diner just after 4 he almost turned on his heel and walked right back out. He saw them first before they saw him. Sam and Miguel sat in a booth, tucked away in the corner of the diner. He couldn’t see their expressions from where he was standing but he could see the very visibly tense line of Miguel’s shoulders. He sat next to the window, Sam blocking him in, probably to prevent him from getting up and bolting out the door like Robby was heavily considering doing.

His feet were leading him over to the table before he could think to question why. He tried to set his face into a neutral expression, skateboard tucked under his arm as he walked right over to their booth and stood to face them. He was almost pleased to see the look of surprise flash across both of their faces before Sam’s settled in a sad but hopeful expression and Miguel straightened more in his seat and fixed his face into a grim line; not the glare and shouting he’d been expecting but he could tell the other boy wasn’t exactly thrilled to see him.

“Robby!” Sam tried to move to stand from the booth, but he put up the hand not holding his board and took a step back from the table. He tried to ignore the way her face dropped as she settled back into her seat, “Robby... Please, sit.”

“Why?” He barked out, crossing his arms as best he could. He watched as Sam winced at his tone, and Miguel clenched his fist around the cup in front of him so hard his knuckles went white and he thought the boy might actually shatter the glass. He thought he’d feel better at eliciting a reaction from him, but it felt like a hollow victory. He tried to even out his voice, but the words came through gritted teeth, “Why am I here Sam?”

She darted her eyes away to look over his shoulder before she took a deep breath, turned back, and looked him dead in the eyes with a determination he hadn’t seen in what felt like an eternity. Maybe that’s why when she said, “Robby please just sit down, we can order something to eat and I’ll explain everything.”, he felt like he didn’t have a choice but to slide into the booth across from them.

The air around them was thick enough to be cut with a knife, while they looked briefly at the menus, and when the waitress came over, he could tell she was waiting for the other shoe to drop just as much as he was. They sat quietly while they waited for the food to show, and only when it was finally set in front of them and he was sure the waitress had walked out of earshot did he repeat the question, trying to shoot for something that was almost calm, “Why am I here?”

Miguel glanced at him before turning to Sam, eyebrow raised in silent question. She bit her lip, looking unsure, but she reached over into her purse and pulled out her phone. She couldn’t meet his eyes, when she unlocked it and pulled up a video, paused on a black screen, setting the phone down in the middle of the table, “Sometimes my dad and Mr. Lawrence will stay late at the dojo after classes. We all thought it was to do paperwork, or spar when things got too tense that day, or shout where we all couldn’t hear.” She took another deep breath, “But Miguel and I went back late a few days ago, we were gonna go to dinner and discuss the tournament. They must’ve not heard us come in, they were sitting in the yard on the deck, and they were just... talking.”

She made like she was about to go on, but he cut her off, “What the fuck does this have to do with me?”

Miguel scowled at him, “You’d know if you let her finish, asshole.”

“Oh fuck off Diaz-”

“Stop it, both of you!” Sam shouted. Robby knew if he looked around he’d see the judging stares from the other people in the diner. 

He made to get up and storm off, but he heard him grumble out, “Oh for fuck sake,” and a hand shot across the table grabbing him around the wrist. He was startled enough not to shake out of Miguel’s hold long enough for him to say, “Look I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that just please hear her out.” Miguel only loosened his hold to retract his hand after Robby, still shocked into silence, slowly nodded and sank back into his seat. He nodded to Sam to go on.

She smiled sadly, “Thank you. So when we walked in, they were talking outside. We almost walked in and interrupted them when we heard my dad mention the tournament in 1985.”

He furrowed his brow, “What’s so important about the ‘85 tournament?”

She looks warily at him before she goes on, “My dad never talks about ‘85. We know he won. There’s a record of it on the All-Valley website, and you saw the trophy in the dojo. But, growing up, he never wanted to talk about that match. He would sometimes talk about ‘84, the one where he fought your dad,” he winced at the mention of him but she pressed on, “and he would answer questions about it every once in a while. About Mr. Miyagi, and the knee and sometimes about the girl he was seeing, Ali. But, he never wanted to talk about your dad or anything that happened after the tournament that day. I don’t even think my mom or my grandmother know about everything that happened.”

He was still very confused by her words, still very unsure about what any of this had to do with him, let alone why she’d thought it was so important as to make him come all the way out here. He tried to interject to say just that when Miguel piped up, looking down at the plate in front of him and refusing to meet his eyes.

“Sensei- your dad, has never wanted to talk about what happened after the tournament either. What led up to it sure; the shit with Ali, the rivalry, whatever, but not what happened after he lost. We... we were curious, I guess when we heard them talking about it so we figured we would listen in for a little while. Sam pulled out her phone and tried to record it. This video’s not great but it managed to pick up the audio well enough. They don’t know we have this. It’s just-” His jaw clicked shut, eyes clenched tight, before he looked at him across the table, “Some of the stuff they were saying? It was just really intense man. Like some honestly pretty scary shit.”

He was startled by how genuine Miguel sounded in that moment sure, but he was more so by the fact that he could see how wet his eyes were becoming. He glanced over at Sam when she sniffed, wiping her eyes with the back of her sleeve, and then back to Diaz.

They stared at each other for a long minute before he looked down at the phone, and he could feel the dread rising in his chest as he thought of the possibilities of what could be on that recording. He closed his eyes, breathing deeply for a few seconds before he opened his eyes and looked at the two people sitting across from him.

“Alright, fine. Let’s hear it.”


	2. secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to the angst chapter- this is one is mostly just sad middle-aged men talking about Emotions™

The recording had started out innocently enough.

When Sam hit play, the dark, blurry video moved somewhat, shifting so it could show a barely-there sliver of light from the lanterns on the patio. He could only barely make out the unfocused silhouette of his father and Mr. LaRusso, sitting with their shoulders pressed together on the porch. 

The audio cuts in with Mr. L already mid-sentence, “-believe me, Johnny, anything you did to me before our tournament was _child’s play_ in comparison to all the bullshit that happened to me after that.” Robby could tell he was just a little bit tipsy, not quite slurring his words but coming very close.

His dad only snorts loudly at the statement, “You’re kidding right? We drove you off a cliff-”

“It was literally just a hill Johnny.”

“-and then I kicked the shit out of you until the old man came and saved your ass with all of his weird ninja moves.”

“Hey! I got my revenge at the tournament when I kicked you in the face.” Mr. L says haughtily.

“Yeah after Bobby and I broke your leg.” Johnny snaps back.

There was only silence for a bit, and Robby almost thought that was the end of it before he heard his dad’s voice again, “I tried to find you, after graduation, y’know? Sid kicked me out of the house and I was working for Bobby’s dad for a while to afford some shitty studio in Reseda. I thought... I don’t know, I thought maybe if I apologized, if I tried to fix things, maybe...” He trails off, coughing awkwardly, “But when I went to your apartment and asked around, they said you’d moved out, you and your mom. Obviously, no one would tell me of all people where you’d gone. I’d fucked up again, waited too long.”

They let the words hang in the air for a second before Daniel asks, “You heard what happened at prom right?”

“What? No? What the fuck happened at prom? I thought you went with Ali.”

Mr. L laughs, “Oh I did. Or I thought I did at least. She spent 90% of the time ignoring me and talking to her friends. Then when I went to drive her home, she asked if she could drive my car-”

“Bad move, LaRusso, that woman has never been a good driver.”

“You’re telling me. We got in a fight on the way back, where she told me she was breaking up with me so she could date some college football player or whatever. Which, bad enough, but then she crashed my car.”

“You’re shitting me? Did she at least offer to get it fixed?”

“Nope. She ran into her house, crying, and I never spoke to her again. Or at least, not until... well you know.” Another pause.

“Yeah.”

“Not long after that, I was getting on a plane to Okinawa with Mr. Miyagi, and after that, I was too busy trying to not get killed every 10 minutes to remember her.” The almost blasé way he said it might even be believable if he wasn’t so good at detecting bullshit. Which unlike a lot of things, was a trait he’d apparently gotten from his dad.

“Whoa, okay I’m gonna need you to back up a little there, LaRusso. You do not get to just brush past that like it’s no big deal, and then not explain.” The gruffness of his voice almost masked the hint of genuine concern Robby could hear in it too. “Now spill.”

Daniel hesitated, “Seriously Johnny it’s been 30 years. It doesn’t even matter anymore.”

“It _matters_ ,” he bit out, turning his head to look directly at him, “of course it fucking matters, Daniel.”

Robby doesn’t think he’s ever heard him use Mr. LaRusso’s first name. But, Mr. L doesn’t look shocked, just keeps his head forward, not turning to look at his father at all.

When he’s silent for too long, his father speaks again, and Robby is startled by how soft it sounds, “Hey, look at me,” he sees Daniel’s shoulders drop as he sighs, head sagging downwards. He just breathes for a second, before turning to look at his dad, “What happened in Okinawa?”

Not long after, it’s like a dam breaks and Daniel is sparing no detail in telling his father what happened. Everything from arriving and being abandoned in an old warehouse, to meeting Yukie and Kumiko, the village, Sato’s desire to restore his honor, Chozen confronting him at every turn, attacking him until Miyagi accepted the fight to the death, the deed, the hurricane, and battling Chozen during the festival.

Daniel took a long swig of his drink, “Live or die, man? I asked him that when I had him on his knees. And he said he wanted to die.” The sentence hangs heavy between them.

His dad asks the question burning the back of his own throat, “Did you actually-?”

“Kill him? No of course not.”

“Oh.”

“Before long me and Mr. Miyagi were back on a plane and back here. Kumiko was supposed to come with us, but she got a call from some fancy dance school in Tokyo. She still teaches dance actually,” when Johnny didn’t respond he pressed on, “When we got back, I was supposed to go to college. I’d had some money saved up for it, but before I could even pick a major, Mr. Miyagi mentioned having wanted to open his own bonsai shop at some point. So I looked for days for the perfect building to lease, and then found the perfect one and bought it immediately. You should’ve seen his face, I don’t think I’d ever seen the man that happy.” Robby could hear the smile in his voice at the end.

“Wait, you mean like the little trees you give out at the dealership?” His dad sounded perplexed.

Daniel only let out a long string of laughter before he said, impossibly fond, “Yes Johnny, like the ‘little trees’ I give out at the dealership. That’s what we called it actually, ‘Mr. Miyagi’s Little Trees’.”

Robby laughs at the same time his father does, looking up briefly to see sad smiles on both Miguel and Sam’s faces, “Oh my god man are you serious? You are such a fucking dork.” His dad leans back on the porch, throwing his back while he laughs.

For his part at least, Daniel laughs too, “Yeah, yeah I know. Hindsight is 20/20. It was the 80s Johnny,” his voice turns sad and wistful, “we didn’t have it very long anyway.”

“What why?” His dad sits up suddenly, laughter gone as soon as it had arrived. 

Mr. L looked at him for a long tense second, “You- you really don’t know?”

“LaRusso why the fuck would I of all people know that?” Daniel just kept looking at him, searching his face for something, and when he found it, he let out a long, shaky breath.

“Shit,” he says under his breath, “I thought... I really thought that’s why you brought Cobra Kai back. That Kreese or Silver gave you the money or something to spite me after what happened in ‘85. I didn’t know-”

“LaRusso, take a breath, holy shit,” Johnny quickly cuts off his rambling, “You’ve completely lost me here, man, I have absolutely no idea what the fuck you’re talking about. I didn’t have anything to do with karate for almost 30 years. Who the fuck is Silver? What happened in ‘85?” His voice had an almost panicked edge to it now.

Daniel took a deep breath and turned his head to face the yard, “A few weeks after we started setting up shop, I got a letter from the All-Valley committee. They were inviting me to come back and defend my title. There was a new rule, the defending champion didn’t have to fight anyone until the finals-”

“What?” Robby exclaims with his father. Miguel shushes him across the table, and reaches over to back up the recording, and while Robby glares at him, his father goes on, “That’s such horseshit. What lame brain, limp dicked asshole came up with that?”

Daniel elbows him in the ribs, “Hush. Do you wanna know or what?” His dad throws up his hands in surrender.

“Anyway, I had wanted to compete at first, but Mr. Miyagi had been very against it at the time. He couldn’t stop me from entering it if I wanted to but he refused to train me. After a while, I accepted that and burned the application. That’s when I met Terry Silver. He found out where we lived, and starting going on about how he was an old war buddy of Kreese’s and how he’d come down to help him straighten out after everything that happened. Said Kreese wanted to turn his life around, but then... Silver said that Kreese had died.”

Robby can tell the moment when his father’s whole body tenses up, but he doesn’t say anything.

“I thought the whole thing was pretty weird and messed up, but I didn’t have a lot of time to think about it. We had a business to run, I had karate to learn, and I was hanging out with Jessica a lot. About a week went by before we got a visit from Mike Barnes. Barnes was... feral almost when I met him. Like a dog on a chain, left out in the sun a little too long. He wanted me to join the tournament, said he wanted my title and that he needed to take it from me. He actually tried to drop me off a cliff at one point in an effort to scare me into competing. When I said no, he harassed me and Mr. Miyagi for weeks. Eventually, I begged him to train me to fight, just so I could get this asshole to leave me alone, but he still refused, even after Barnes and his crew came in and trashed the store, broke all of the trees we’d planned to sell. I decided then that I was gonna compete anyways. We fought for a while, I was so angry with him. I was working in the yard when Barnes attacked me again, but Silver was there too, and he fought him off and threw him out of the yard. He’d brought a book on some karate techniques he said I should learn for the tournament. That’s when he offered to train me. At first, I said no. But then the whole thing with the cliff happened and I knew I needed someone to teach me so I could fight Barnes.” He looked over at Johnny again, but his father was still frozen, in tense silence. Robby could hear the tremor in Daniel’s voice when he continued, “The training was... brutal. There’s no other way to describe it. I went home every day in pain, covered in blood and new bruises. But I thought- if this is what it takes it has to be worth it right? He insisted I learn what he called ‘The Quicksilver Method’,” Robby thought he saw recognition flash across his father’s face, “If a man can’t stand-”

“He can’t fight,” Johnny cuts him off, voice low but sharp, “If a man can’t breathe-”

“He can’t fight. If a man can’t see-”

“ _He can’t fight._ ” 

Daniel takes a deep breath to center himself, and he’s surprised when his dad reaches up to put a hand on his shoulder, that he leans heavily into his side, his next words quiet enough that he had to strain to hear them, “Later after some unfortunate decisions on my part, and a heart to heart with Mr. Miyagi, I decided to quit the tournament. Silver was turning me into something I didn’t want to be, bitter and so angry with everyone I cared about. I didn’t want to fight anymore. So I went over to the dojo to tell Terry in person. I felt that I at least owed him an explanation,” Robby feels a sickening dread well up in his stomach, “But when I got there and told him I wasn’t going to fight he just... started laughing. I’ll never forget the sound of that laugh. And then Mike Barnes was there, and fucking Kreese came in too, and that’s when it all clicked. I’d been set up, Silver and Kreese had been working together the whole time, Silver had hired Barnes to harass me into competing in the tournament. When Barnes attacked, I tried to defend myself but I was confused and so terrified I couldn’t even think straight, so the first opportunity I got, I ran. When I did, I ended up running straight into Mr. Miyagi. He’d followed me to make sure I’d be okay. I guess I must have looked as terrified as I felt because he took one look at me, and then at Barnes who had chased after me and didn’t even think twice about kicking the shit out of him. If I hadn’t been so scared at the time I would’ve thought everything that happened after that was just the most badass thing I’d ever seen him do. When he chucked him back through the doors of the dojo and waltz right in like he owned the place, Silver had tried to fight him, but Kreese wanted to be the one to do it. Obviously, we know who won”, his dad let out a joyless chuckle, “but it didn’t even matter. They’d never let it go. I had to fight in the tournament. I think Mr. Miyagi understood then, why I needed to do it because he offered right then to train me.”

Daniel turned in his hold to look directly at his father’s face, “When the tournament finally came, I thought I was ready, but I should have known they weren’t going to fight fair. It was terrifying. I didn’t get a single point for a long time, Barnes easily could have won, but every time he got a point he’d lose it again on purpose, over and over again, just so he could keep hitting me. He was ruthless. I was so scared, John,” his voice cracks, trying to hold himself back from crying, “I screamed at Mr. Miyagi. That I wanted to forfeit, I couldn’t keep up, I genuinely thought he was going to kill me. That I was afraid. He just looked at me and said _Daniel-san, it’s okay to lose to opponent, must not lose to fear._ So I got up and I kept fighting, and in the end... I won. But it never felt like a victory to me. I spent every day after that waiting for him to come back. Sometimes I still have nightmares about it. When you reopened Cobra Kai, told me Kreese was actually dead, that you wanted to be better than him, I wanted so badly to believe you but I couldn’t. I didn’t understand why you’d bring it back after ‘84. I didn’t want what happened to either of us to ever happen again.”

Robby quickly reaches over and pauses the video, looking up to meet the eyes across from him, confusion obvious on his face.

Sam only looks at him, with a small sad smile and tears in her eyes. Miguel is looking at him with an intensity that makes him squirm in his seat, voice quiet when he speaks, “Just listen. You’ll understand.”

Robby presses play.

“ _Shit_ , Daniel I didn’t know any of that. I didn’t- I wouldn’t have-” He cuts himself off abruptly, but the ending is clear. I wouldn’t have brought back Cobra Kai if I’d known.

Daniel’s voice is softer now when he speaks, “I know that now, Johnny, and that’s what matters.”

They sit in silence for a long time, and after a bit, he sees the camera move like it’s about to be shut off when his dad speaks up again and it quickly looks back up towards the two of them.

“I had nightmares every night for years after the parking lot. Sometimes they felt so real it was like it was happening all over again. Sometimes I’d just wake up in a cold sweat, feeling like I couldn’t breathe, choking on air. I hadn’t had one in years until the day he showed back up at the dojo.”

“John-” Mr. L tries to stop him, but he just barrels on.

“When I saw his face again, I almost puked right there on the mat. But then he told me he wanted to come back, wanted to be better, wanted to help me restore Cobra Kai to its glory days... I wanted to believe him. I needed to believe him. I needed to believe the man I had thought of as a father was sorry for what he’d done. I thought that if I was getting my second chance, after everything I’d done, with you and Robby and Miguel, that I needed to give him one too. And then when you came to the dojo that night-”, his voice cracks in a way he never could’ve imagined, “It was like I was back in that parking lot again and I couldn’t... I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, I was 18 again and my sensei was trying to choke me to death and I was fucking terrified.” His dad lets out a shuddering breath when he finishes, Robby’s throat feels tight and he’s blinking back tears, “Now all I can see is Robby’s face, and it’s him in that parking lot and I- I can’t let that happen. I can’t let him get hurt again. Even if he decides he never wants to see me again, I need to make sure he’s safe.”

“Johnny...” Daniel looks like he wants to say something, but he just trails off, looking at Johnny for an eternity, tear tracks shining on his face, before he lurches forward and he’s wrapping his arms tight around his dad’s shoulders, and Robby barely has time to register his surprise, “I’m so sorry Johnny.”

His dad tenses for a fraction of a second before he’s leaning into it and wrapping an arm around Daniel’s back, “I- I’m sorry too,” he huffs out a laugh, “boy I really fucked up didn’t I?”

Daniel pulls back enough to look at him in the face, one of his hands moving to hold his jaw, and he speaks with a conviction so strong it throws him for a loop, “ _We_ are going to get him back Johnny, _we_ are gonna fix things with Robby, _we_ are going to beat Kreese and _we_ are not going to let him hurt any of those kids ever again. Okay?”

Robby can swear he sees tears in his eyes before his dad shuts them tight and sighs, leaning his forehead against Daniel’s, “I just hope you’re right.”


	3. enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh boy do I make this child suffer in this chapter
> 
> tw: for graphic descriptions of a panic attack in this one

The video cuts out after a minute of quiet static, and Sam quietly reaches over to pick it back up and put it back in her bag. Robby can’t look her in the eyes, so they all just sit there in silence.

When he finally speaks, he looks over to Miguel, “I didn’t- I didn’t know any of this. You have to believe me, I never wanted this. I was angry with him, with both of them but this is...” He doesn’t even know how to say it. 

Miguel continues to stare back at him with wide, sad eyes, and he only looks away when Sam speaks up, “None of us knew, Robby. No one knew how serious all of this was for them. We were all focused on the stupid dojo rivalry and none of us ever even thought to ask.”

He doesn’t know what to say to that, his head is already spinning, trying to process all of this new information that’s been dropped in his lap.

Before he can even form a coherent thought about any of it, he’s jerking his head up to look at Diaz who has his eyes locked on his, a strange expression on his face, “Listen, Robby. I didn’t... I didn’t mean to get in between you and your dad, okay? I didn’t even know he was your dad until after the tournament. You should know he kicked mine and Hawk’s asses for fucking up your shoulder, saying that we’d dishonored the dojo for pulling a stunt like that. I didn’t realize it at the time but, he’d been trying to stop me from hurting you during the match when I just thought he was testing me. I know it doesn’t mean much, after everything, but I am... sorry. It never occurred to me that even though he was there for me, for the other Cobras, that doing that meant he wasn’t there for you too,” He can feel the weight of his sigh, “He told me a lot of stuff after the tournament. I know you think he doesn’t care about you but you’re wrong.”

Now he _really_ didn’t know how to respond to that. He knew he probably looked like a deer in the headlights, but he couldn’t force himself to look away. He feels dizzy and can’t seem to push down the tears he knows are welling up in his eyes.

“I...” He trailed off, uncertainty coloring his voice. He was surprised to find that he _wanted_ to believe Miguel was being sincere, that he really hadn’t known all that time, that he really hadn’t intentionally tried to take his dad’s attention away from him. “You really didn’t know?”

The side of Miguel’s mouth twitched up from a fraction of a second before he shrugged warily, “He, uh, sat me down after the tournament and tried to explain everything. I didn’t know who you were at all until the day before the tournament, and I didn’t... know who you were to Sensei until the next class. Hawk did some digging after, he thought that he was acting weird with you at the tournament I guess, he’s the one who found out who you were. We were gonna confront Sensei about it that day but he kinda beat us to the punch.”

When he finally can’t take Miguel’s gaze anymore, he looks back down at the table, where their food sits, long cold and forgotten, and simply stares into nothingness while he tries, desperately to make sense of his rapidly spiraling thoughts. He feels drunk, almost, like he’s floating somewhere outside his body and he can’t stop it when his thoughts start racing out of control.

_He didn’t know. This wasn’t his fault. Dad wasn’t trying to replace him. He never meant for this. He didn’t know. He didn’t know. He didn’t know._

_You never asked._

He feels sick. It feels like his heart is stuck inside his throat and he can’t breathe. 

_Dad couldn’t breathe._

He only barely registers Sam’s voice through the cloud of his thoughts, “Robby? Robby, hey, what’s wrong?” She sounds concerned, he thinks, maybe scared. But he can’t think anymore, the bile rises in his throat and his body moves before his brain can process the signals and he’s on his feet.

“Robby!”

He barely makes it to the stall.

It hurts, he hasn’t eaten all day, and all that comes is acid and the searing pain of stripping his throat raw. He doesn’t hear the door, or the footsteps on the tile, and he would’ve jumped out of his skin if he hadn’t had his head halfway in the bowl, when he feels a hand on the back of his neck. He doesn’t know who’s it is, can’t find it in himself to care really, when it slowly moves to soothe down the line of his back, and the quiet almost gentle sound of someone whispering at his side. When he finally feels the nausea fade, replaced with an almost overwhelming ache in the pit of his stomach, he feels the hand go to move him back, to lean heavy on the body kneeling behind him. He can’t will himself to pull away, to look at whoever keeps talking softly behind him, can’t make out words really, but the hushed tones and soothing hands bring the first, painful sob from deep in his chest. 

He couldn’t tell how long he kneeled there, on the cold tile, contrasted almost painfully to the body next to his, the heat almost burning at his back. His whole body shook with the force of the sobs leaving his body, and his chest burned with every sharp intake of breath he tried to choke down. It could have been minutes, or hours, or days, but he couldn’t focus on anything but trying not to choke on his own tears and the voice in his ear.

Only when the tears run dry and his eyes burn, his throat wrecked and sore from the exertion, does he recognize the sounds coming from the person rubbing soothing, small circles at his back.

He doesn’t understand what Miguel is saying, rapid Spanish too low and too fast to make out any words he might have tried to.

“Está bien, estás bien. Sólo respira. Todo va a estar bien.” He says, over and over, until the words meld together in his head.

He sags against him, bones heavy underneath his skin, muscles unwilling to cooperate enough to sit up on his own. The words mean nothing to him, spoken in a language he couldn’t comprehend, but he could feel his insides start to settle at the slow, gentle hum of his voice. 

When the sobs turn to cracked hiccups and the violent tremors quiet to barely perceptible shakes, he almost startles at the sound of Miguel’s voice, “Robby? C’mon I need you to breathe okay? You’ve gotta calm down, you’re gonna pass out.”

He tries, he really does. If he were more coherent, he’d probably laugh at the idea of doing anything Diaz ever asked him to do, but here, on the floor of some shitty diner bathroom, he tries. But his lungs refuse to do what they’re told, and all he manages are a few shaky, stunted breaths. 

He feels the warmth at his side leave suddenly, and it’s pointless to try and force down the shiver that runs up his spine. It isn’t gone for long though, and soon he’s being turned around, and it’s gentle, hesitant, the hand from his back being moved to his shoulder, mirrored on his other side. The small squeeze around his shoulders is enough to ground him enough to hear Diaz’s voice over the ringing in his ears.

“Robby, hey, I need you to look at me okay?” He doesn’t know why but he listens.

The fluorescent lights hurt when he cracks his eyes open, stuck with the salt from his tears. He blinks once, twice, before his eyes finally focus on Miguel’s, his face startlingly close, “Hey, yeah that’s good okay? That’s better. Now, look at me alright? We’re gonna do this together.” He feels his hand being lifted from his lap, and it’s set against the plane of Miguel’s ribcage. “You just gotta copy me alright?”

He feels the rise and fall of his chest and does his best to mimic it. It takes several attempts, and the other boy has to grab his focus back every time his mind starts to wander. Eventually, his breath is even and calm enough to let him think clearly again and he sees Miguel’s mouth quirk up in his strange half-smile.

“There we go. That’s better right?” Robby doesn’t answer, just stares at him with wide eyes, unblinking. He doesn’t know what he’s searching for on his face but then it hits him full force. 

_This is the boy he hated for months. This is the boy he’d fought over and over again. This is the boy he hurt. This is the boy he almost killed._

And he was here. Sitting on the floor with him, with warmth and understanding on his face, while Robby shook and sobbed on the filthy bathroom floor, and he’s looking at him with eyes kind and wide and sad and _trusting_ , and it makes his chest ache.

When Robby lurches forward, arms wrapping tightly around his shoulders, he feels him tense almost immediately in his hold. He doesn’t know what to do, so he stays and just holds tighter, starts muttering against the side of his neck, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to hurt you, I didn’t know, I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry.” Over and over and over- he repeats the words like a mantra.

It takes a second but he feels arms slowly come to wrap around his back, and the slow, soothing circles come back. They stay like that for a long time, him muttering almost incoherently into his neck and soft words humming in his ear before he feels Miguel move backward. He wants to shift with him, feels the cold seep in his bones before he’s even left but he hold’s him at arm’s length and makes him look at him in the face before saying, “Let’s get you off the floor and cleaned up okay? Sam’s worried about you too. She’s waiting outside the door.”

 _Too._ His mind latches onto the word like a vice. 

He sniffs and nods slowly, and then Miguel is standing and helping him to his own feet. He wobbles, legs having gone numb long ago, and the hand is back, steadying him until he can walk on his own. He’s lead him to the sinks, head still partially in a daze, and only snaps back briefly to the sound of running water, “C’mon man, that really can’t feel good, you gotta rinse that shit out okay?”

He leans over and rinses his mouth out under the tap, grateful for the cold shock of the water in his throat. It soothes the burn in his eyes when he clears the salt tracks off his face, and finally for the first time in what felt like forever, he could breathe on his own again.

When he leans back, he keeps his eyes shut, breathing slowly, methodically, unwilling to see the evidence of what happened written clearly on his face in the mirror. He’s grateful then when he feels paper towels being pushed into his hands and the hand at his back, turning him and leading him back towards the bathroom door.

He hears the squeak of the hinges and his eyes only shoot open when he feels the wind get knocked out of him and what can only be Sam, wrapping her arms tightly around his shoulders. He doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around and hold her just as tight. The hand never leaves his back.

She doesn’t say anything, just holds him for a long minute, and he lets himself just sink into this moment. It feels like it’s been ages since the last time she touched him like this. Warm and alive under his hands and he does his best to memorize the feeling.

She pulls back too soon, always too soon, and looks at him with a too watery smile, one hand coming to rest on his jaw and the other at his neck, “Let’s go back and sit okay?” His nod comes stilted, but for once, he thinks, it’s enough.

_Maybe, this is enough._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as per usual- all mistakes are my own

**Author's Note:**

> oh boy this has been sitting in my drafts since I finished S3  
> no beta- we die like men


End file.
